Kathy, UK

I think you are a very brave woman. Both my brothers abused me. My eldest brother was 12 and I was 9. He touched my nipples and breasts and down below. He encouraged my other brother to do the same. I was very ill as a child. Getting pneumonia a lot. Sometimes when I was off ill my brother the one who was encouraged to abuse me used to make out he was ill. And then he would abuse me, touching me inappropriately and trying to simulate sexual acts. He tried to rape me loads of times. I used to beg my mum not to leave me to get my medication when I was ill but unbeknown to her the reason was because I was being sexually abused by him. I could hardly breath as I was so ill, I have asthma. I was nine, I didn't understand what they were doing was wrong- didn't know that other brothers didn't do this kind of thing to their sisters. It went on for years. I was a talented dancer, singer I was very pretty. But what they did destroyed something deep inside my soul. I became a recluse, smoking and being a right pain when I was at college. At sixteen I had a mini break down but I pulled myself back from the brink. We were the result of a disfunctional family. My dad would beat my mum everyday. It was like living with a volcano waiting for the eruption to occur. He beat us too. Then when my mum and dad separated and dicorced that's when the abuse started to happen on a regular basis. I'd run and lock myself in a room. It then stopped but when I was 23 my brother sexually assaulted me and tried to rape me. He tried several times when I was a young child too. I ran to my mum and told her everything, she confronted him and he said he felt ashamed of what he had done. Years later my mum and I were going through family videos as I was going to live with my great aunt to be her full time Carer. We found a video of me undressing, washing and dressing. I remember hearing deep breathing once when I was in the bathroom but when I went to look no one was there. Our bathroom had dents in the lower part of the door. My mum and I were both in shock and in my turmoil and pain I completely destroyed the tape and put the remnants in the bin. I was nine again! Then I was worried for my mum but I had to leave. But she was ok. My mum told that her brother had sexually abused her but once or twice. So really she should've been watching over me more. My brother is her favourite even after he and my eldest brother have put me through this living hell. I am still healing, still trying to come to terms with all of this. I have two boys and their father committed domestic violence against me, sometimes I front of my kids sometimes behind closed doors. I safe guard them all the time. Making sure nothing like that isn't happening. My oldest son verbally bullies my youngest but I stamp on it as soon as this happens. The only people who know about this are my mum, Napac and now you. I live in a difficult complicated situation. My mum and brother were made homeless and had no where to go I took them in. We eventually got a four bed house. My life is torture every day because although there is no sexual abuse I see him leading at me regularly. I worry for the future. I am a Carer to my mum. What happens when she dies? My kids don't know what my brother has done but they think he is a weirdo. They don't like my mum either probably because they see their mum treated like a servant which doesn't help. I am strong I cope. As I said I ensure my children are safe guarded. Some days are better than others. To the outside world we are lucky, we've got a town house four bedrooms but in reality things are different. As I said you are brave. Could I report ,I don't think so...

 

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