It seems as if I have been abused for more years than I've been alive. While I am strong, and will accept getting targeted from abusers in order to protect those weaker than myself, I would
not wish my life onto anybody.
My father worked for a large pharmaceutical company in another country. My mother was a student. They'd dated, and well. I wasn't supposed to be conceived, but I was. Then I wasn't supposed to be born. My father tried to push the abortion pill on my mother, despite that it was illegal here. But I was. At 11 months old, I had a severe case of pneumonia in both lungs. I was put on an antibiotic that I ended up being almost deathly allergic to. Mind you, I was 11 months old, not quite 1, yet. Either one could have killed me, but it didn't. I don't recall my father, remember, worked at a pharmaceutical company, who would have known that my anaphylactic reaction was to the antibiotic, not anything else, speaking up.
Growing up in a country where most people were of the same culture and such, as the "different" kid, I had been bullied and beaten up a lot by a lot of other kids. That was bad enough. But my father had psychologically and physically abused me, for things that I could not control.
My mother started off with the psychological abuse. I had forgotten to bring my crayons back home one day, and the next day, she taped a note onto my backpack, which I didn't know what it said until after I'd gotten to school, that stated that I would be sent to school naked if my crayons did not return home with me that day. I was beaten up by at least a couple of boys on the way to school. At school, a few of the girls forced me to lay on the floor with my school skirt up, they pulled my underwear down, and let the other kids see my privates, and even tried to display me near the door, so the boys would see me, too. I also got beaten up on the way home from school by 4 girls. They took grass, dirt, little twigs, etc and stuffed into "every hole" they could find. My mouth, my nose, my ears, even in my eyes, and while being held down by 3 of them, the 4th put some in my private area, also. My mother's only reaction was an evil laugh, stating, "Well, at least the crayons came home". I could not believe my mother cared more about a box of crayons, than me.
After my parents divorced, my mother got physically and sexually abusive with me as well. The sad part? My sister was always treated as a princess. Nothing was ever her fault. There was at least one occasion where my sister had witnessed my mother sexually abusing me, when we were at her then fiance's apartment, who later would be my stepfather for 8 years. The door was open, and I thought I lost a tampon in myself. Rather than discreetly swab once, she not only left the bathroom door open, but, had her hand up in my vagina for at least 5 minutes. I was begging her to stop, even trying to swat her hands off of me, but she wouldn't. She looked at me with this sly look, saying "don't you want me to finish looking for it? I pleaded with her to stop. She kept going. My future step brother, who needed to use the bathroom, had walked past and saw my mother doing this. I was so horrified, I wanted to die on the spot. He told my sister, who walked with him, and she also saw. I didn't want to make this any worse. My sister scowled at me, and stormed off. My step brother came back at least 3 times, maybe more, to see if we were done. My soon to be stepfather also walked past at least 3 times, and my sister had come back another time. In the mean time, here I stood there, with my pants around my ankles, with her kneeling in front of me with her fingers in my vagina, I'm trying to brush her away begging her to stop, and she says in her cold smooth voice, "You like this, I can tell". No matter that I was begging and pleading for her to stop. She only stopped when my stepfather's friend came in, and she practically launched me through the window on the other side of the bathroom, because she, "didn't want this sexist man to see me, this way". Even though he was fat, gross, and nasty old man, it wouldn't have been as bad.
My sister got mad at me, and totally blamed ME for the situation, saying that I had asked for it, because I "let her" touch me like that. I was 12. My sister was 9. My step brother was 8. I couldn't believe my ears. Here I was, begging for my mother to stop, and I was being blamed for her playing in my vagina for what seemed like eternity! I never had felt so gross and slimy like the nastiest garbage on the face of the planet. This truly made me feel like a piece of garbage that even scavengers don't even like me, because I was beneath them, too. A year after my first stepfather and my mother split, she was getting ready to wed the new pastor at the church. The same one who did couples counseling with my mother and my 1st stepfather, and so this pastor has been my stepfather for about 28 or so years.
My mother has sexually, physically, and psychologically abused me on and off from the time I was about 9 or going on 10, until I was about 26 years old. In all of this time, my sister was still the princess of the family, who also has been verbally and psychologically abusive, and my mother NEVER found any fault with her, ever. If anything went wrong, it was always MY fault, and all she'd have to do is pull the tears, and I would get practically beaten by my mother, even when I was doing nothing more than just my homework.
To this day, my sister denies that my mother ever sexually abused me, and thinks I am being ridiculous to the point she has pretty much disowned me. Even after witnessing this event, and maybe even others, she still refuses to acknowledge anything. But you see, my sister was allowed to be as cruel and mean spirited as she wanted to... It was cute, and even funny to our mother that my sister would make me cry. Yet, if I had even looked at my sister the wrong way, my mother would slap me on the face, near the temple. If I said anything even short to my sister, my mother would slap my mouth so hard, I thought my teeth were going to loosen. But, they both still deny anything was wrong.
My mother has always talked down to me, as if I'm some kind of lower form of life, and refuses to accept that she has ever done anything wrong. If I won't allow her to wipe her dirty feet on me, she says I am being disrespectful to her. Respect is a two way street, and she has given me nothing but the ultimate disrespect. No. I do not respect her. I am a 47 year old woman, who has been the family doormat for so long, that it is unfathomable that she is anything but rude, condescending, bitchy, and so forth. I cannot give someone respect if they give me nothing.
She has also "adopted" a guy who was hard on his luck, and has also gone crying to him, about how her daughter (me) hates her, and how she is useless to her own daughter, and doesn't understand why her eldest child doesn't love her. I must admit, yes. I do hate her sometimes. Certain things will cause me to have flashbacks, and each time, my soul gets filled with hate and anger towards her.
At this point, it doesn't happen as often, but, again, she refuses to take any accountability that she has mistreated me for my whole entire life. I will NOT talk to her, because of the fact that I cannot trust her to do the right thing. She has allowed a recovering alcoholic whose sobriety is questionable drive her car with my son as a passenger. She has texted and drove, with my son as a passenger. Instead of apologizing or just promising that it will never happen again, she would either argue with me or act as if either my son or I was lying to her.
My stepfather is a minister, and blindly supports her, that if she says A, he will not listen to one word, if anyone else says B, C or even X Y Z. It is almost pointless to try to tell him, and will not accept the fact that she would lie to him about anything and everything. But believe that? A MINISTER!!! A spiritual leader! The same person who gives marriage counseling and marries people, as well as does couples counseling, funerals, preach, etc. What minister refuses to take in both sides? I feel as if he is just as much a part of the perpetrators' team as both my mother and sister.
I could go on, because this is still not the whole story... I'll just say that my sister always has to be right, no matter what, and will dish out low blows, just to end up being right... She never fights fair, and always kicks below the belt. She is so selfishly bitchy, that at 44 years old, she cannot hang onto a relationship, and in the 10.5 years that she's been a practicing OB/GYN, she is on her 4th job that she is getting ready to quit, because she either gets fired, pushed out, or quits because she "can't handle it", yet accuses me of not being able to hand onto a job, even though she is the one who can't handle hers... But, she equates her not being able to handle being paid a good living as a doctor the same as me losing my 1st pregnancy due to illness that made me sickly while I was pregnant. yes. An OB/GYN, made this comparison.
These are reasons I would not wish my own life onto anyone else. I would NOT wish for anyone who is stuck in a family where their own parents never really wanted in the first place. I do not wish onto other people to be physically, verbally and sexually abused by their own parents, especially same gender incest, which is the most humanly degrading thing that could happen to anyone. I would not wish for anyone else to lose a wanted baby and to have to plan the funeral for your baby or child... These are things that I wish on no one.
Even though I have been in my own place away from my mother and stepfather, I still feel she is trying to sabotage my efforts. She has ruined my clothing for work purposes, and has done things to ensure that my projects don't go as planned. Yet, my stepfather (the pastor) wants to say that they've given me $60-80,000 in financial support... But, with my job interviews being sabotaged over improper clothing, because she took my good, professional clothing and ruined them, I may be out more like at least $1,000,000 or more in income, thanks to her. But, it is still all my fault, if you ask them.
And no. You don't "just get over" this type of systematic abuse, where the abusers band together and make the victim look like the crazy one. Here I am, still at my age, that if I want a relationship with my own mother, I must grovel, allow her to continue to be disrespectful by being verbally abusive, just to get accused that I am harming my son, from me preventing him to see his maternal grandparents. Well. No. I already lost one son. I will NOT let my mother risk my 16 year old by allowing her to have drunk drivers drive my son around, or to have her make him permanently disabled because she texts and drives with him in the car. This is the aftermath of what happens.
Please do not keep victimizing survivors of this type of violence by saying you don't believe them. Most abuse victims do not report, because we fear so many reasons. We might not be believed. We get threatened with more violence. We are abused even further. The courts take the perpetrator's side, or, the sentencing is a joke, and we either have to not take the stand face to face to ensure the perpetrator gets locked up, or, let our stories be twisted for a light sentence, if any, are let off... This is so taxing on those of us survivors, it's exhausting. This is why I speak up for abused children, with is therapeutic for me. I am not sure how I could carry on, with even employers turning me down for a job, because it still feels like no one wants me. But, the abused children need me. This purpose keeps me going.