Marnie, Canada 

 

Nov 16 2016

 

My story.....
My story doesn't start off as most children do, happy go lucky, not a care in the world. My story starts off as, unhappy child at the age of five looking at a medicine cabinet and thinking, I could take mom's pills and go to sleep and never wake up again. I came from a very dysfunctional family, dad was abusive to mom, my siblings never liked me from the age of two I knew I wasn't wanted!
I was ignored picked on and not a normal ways!
My siblings had a way of making sure I would get punished one way or another, either through them or their handiwork which caused my parents to discipline me. Example; when I was about five my siblings locked me in basement where there was all kinds of weird noises coming from and I remember crying and screaming incline at the door please let me up let me up, while they sat there laughing. Just before mom and dad were due to return from where they were, my siblings went into my parents dresser drawer removed the new underwear and undershirts and proceeded to tear them up, so that when mom and dad arrived home my siblings ran up to mom and dad all frantic yelling; look what Marnie did. I got one hell of a spanking for that! Each one of my siblings had they're all a little secrets with me that I've never told to the other I've kept it to myself spent all my life walking the streets feeling not good enough, stupid dirty just a total outcast.
When I was around five years of age might've been even before that I block A lot out, my eldest sister who I found later on had had molestation issues via my cousin who is older than my sister, but my sister I guess remembered or took notes and whatever sick way and decided to play the same games out on me! I was always told, threatened, if you tell mom and dad anything.......... and then she would make up something that she would say to mom and dad to get me into trouble so it always kept me quiet and I did all my life!
The name was called boy and girl, you were the very first in the whole world to ever hear that I have not even told my husband! After some time it's stopped for whatever reason I don't know, then it was my middle sister who seem to be the ringleader of ideas on how can we torture Marnie today! She decided one night when mom went out shopping that she wanted to see how much I had matured, Oh my God, I was six years of age. Anyhow I knew something was up my sister kept saying this let's see if Marnie has grown any hair yet, I see my sister over in the corner of the room standing blocking the doorway I see my other sister standing in the stairwell blocking that way and my brother standing in the corner of the living room, I was essentially cornered, but I ran for it and they caught me pinned me down on the floor in the bedroom tore off all my clothing and made my brother sit there look at me!  I think this is why my brother and I have been completely estranged and don't talk to each other even to this day whether he remembers what happened or not it has shame over it or just feels that I'm dirty, I have no clue, all I know is that we don't talk and after years of being treated with silence and; what do you want from me whenever he beckoned me to come to my sisters house when he came down for visits and I didn't show I would be greeted with silence even though I was asked to be there. When I did try and talk to him it was always ignored or at some point he would Yell at me what the hell you want! Then a little while later my middle sister decided she needed practice so that when she dated boys that she would be more experienced, guess who got the role of being her test dummy, me!
The sexual stuff lasted for a short time but stayed with me all my life. I have become totally a strange from all my siblings and just recently cut all ties with them as I have found that I just couldn't tolerate any longer being treated like, Third class citizen being constantly told of my mistakes how stupid I was etc. etc. etc.!!
All of this led me to not trusting women never having friends that were women so I hung around guys more kind of fitting, as I am very much a tomboy but it got me into trouble and always wound up with the wrong guy with the cheated on me, use me I was abusive to me! I am now in an abusive alcoholic marriage that I have tried over and over again to find help to leave to no avail!!! It's a terrible thing what people do to others when they themselves are insecure or hurt, their first response seems to be to hurt others I guess to try and get rid of that hurt they figure, if I do something to somebody else it'll make it go away. I feel bad for my siblings for whatever pain they are carrying, but I feel bad for me as well so many wasted years! So much fear kept me down kept me from going after what I really want to because I did not believe in myself and this is I believe a calm and outcome of abuse! Elise people feeling outcast, stupid, total outlanders and just have no place in the world, or so we all think!!!
It's taking me a long time to get to this crossroads in my life I keep debating at 52 am I too old to start things again, there is still that fear that reluctance that I'm not good enough not smart enough, not good looking enough you name it I probably put a label to it I think that's our own prison that we create because we believe that we are not good enough so even if it's not being told to us, I think we come up with ways of torturing ourselves because it's what were used to!!
I hope in the next life that I come back remembering what is happened to me I remember that I'm worth more than what others told me I was, or as an Al-Anon they say; because you say I am a chair does not mean I am one!!!! I'm still struggling to find myself each day is a revelation, some days I catastrophe I have no many health issues and I figured they were all from  the stress that I have endured over the years. The one shiny point in my life I can say is that I am physically strong otherwise,  I train at my gym 5 to 6 days a week, I'm spiritually enlightened; but I think we can always become more enlightened, I keep a very good sense of humour and try and stay on the light side of life!! My strengths in life now are my love for that which is pure, for those who do for others, my cats and animals, for my spirituality, and my gym I think the Lord every day for the strong body that I have, even though I have a lot of health issues I have a very strong mind and I push through a lot of things; I think it is why I survived all that I have survived. One of my doctors once told me sometime back, after I had told him just a little bit of what I had gone through, this was shortly I believe after I had sustained a herniated disc in my neck from my husband and have had to have major surgery to replace the disk, anyhow, my doctor said to me; there must be something very strong inside of you, otherwise you should've committed suicide long time ago!! Kind of galvanized me! Can you imagine a doctor saying that to you kind of an ethical but it was blunt and it was taken as it was meant to be taking, that I'm survivor. I hope whoever is reading this now finds some kind of strength in knowing, we are of worth! We are worthy of love, we are worthy of happiness, we are worthy of good things and are smart beautiful beings, that God created!!
Please try and remember that when you look in the mirror no matter what the reflection looks like the matter what your minds reflecting out, remember God loves us no matter what we've been through no matter what is been done to us God still loves us and he hasn't forsaken us! God bless you all!!

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